Sunday, March 25, 2007

Late at night is when it's easiest to slip into the old self-hatred. It's dark and quiet, you can't sleep because your thoughts run rampant. Every little flaw is in sharp relief in the lamplight, and every thought comes crowding forward to prick you with its needle. You lie awake in the dark, tossing and turning to try and escape from all the hurts. "You should never have said...... Why did you.... Are you that stupid?"

You try to rationalize with yourself, but no explanation will stop the flood of mistakes, of questions, of actions regretted. You get up and pace, catch a glance in the mirror and stop a moment to look and see what you've become. Regrets, sadness- you look at the circles under your eyes and that extra pound that probably came from the coffee ice cream earlier. "You shouldn't have... You know better than that... You lazy, worthless....."

You sit down with a book. The phone rings. You talk for a bit when you know you don't want to talk; you hang up and feel worse for allowing them to get at you. Are the apologies real, or is it an act? Are you heartless for ignoring them, or stupid to acknowledge them? You pick the book up, put it down.

A slight sigh from the other room- shut the lights off and go back to bed, don't disturb the little sleeper. Tomorrow, just be better for her.

1 comment:

Duamuteffe said...

I will always remember Suz talking about meditating to meet with the part of her who hated her and put her down all the time. The story ended with, "And then I killed her."

You're not horrible, any more than I am, and I have this problem too. It's because you're such a good person that you obsess over the things that weren't quite perfect. You are a wonderful human being and I feel intensely lucky to be able to call you my sister and packmate. I'd go through hell for you, and I know I'm not the only one. Do you think we'd do this for an awful person? When you start having these thoughts, think of the Owlvark and I, of Gr3y and Jess, of Suz and Jeff, of Teh Kid and Twinklie26, of my folks and Bummy and Pappap and tell yourself, "I can't be all bad, because of all these people who love me." Then put yourself in a good film and think about that until you fall asleep. Being able to do that was the only reason I went to sleep for several years.