Late at night is when it's easiest to slip into the old self-hatred. It's dark and quiet, you can't sleep because your thoughts run rampant. Every little flaw is in sharp relief in the lamplight, and every thought comes crowding forward to prick you with its needle. You lie awake in the dark, tossing and turning to try and escape from all the hurts. "You should never have said...... Why did you.... Are you that stupid?"
You try to rationalize with yourself, but no explanation will stop the flood of mistakes, of questions, of actions regretted. You get up and pace, catch a glance in the mirror and stop a moment to look and see what you've become. Regrets, sadness- you look at the circles under your eyes and that extra pound that probably came from the coffee ice cream earlier. "You shouldn't have... You know better than that... You lazy, worthless....."
You sit down with a book. The phone rings. You talk for a bit when you know you don't want to talk; you hang up and feel worse for allowing them to get at you. Are the apologies real, or is it an act? Are you heartless for ignoring them, or stupid to acknowledge them? You pick the book up, put it down.
A slight sigh from the other room- shut the lights off and go back to bed, don't disturb the little sleeper. Tomorrow, just be better for her.