A Bit of Woody Allen...

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.