Tuesday, January 15, 2008

A Little Izzard

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon." "Say five Hail Mary's and six Hello Dolly's!"

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion – they're two words which are both … different. In spelling.

Or if it's Shakespeare in the West End, then it's moody lighting, three old people saying, "When shall we three meet again? Tuesday? Okay."

There's no Church of England fundamentalism. We can't have Church of England fundamentalism. You know, like they have Islamic fundamentalism. Jihad! … Ah ha … Church of England fundamentalism is impossible because you can't have: "You must have tea and cake with the vicar... or you die!" Tea and cake or death! Students with beards, "Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!" Ca – you know, 'cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Everyone, – anyone could answer that. "Cake or death?" "Uhh, cake please." "Very well! Give him cake!" "Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice!" [points] "You! Cake or death?" "Uh, cake for me, too, please!" "Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. [points] You! Cake or death?" "Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. …" "You said death first, ahaaa, ahaaaa, death first!" "Well, I meant cake!" "Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England! Cake or death?" "Uh, cake please." "Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush! So what do you want?" "What, so my choice is 'or death?' Well, then I'll have the chicken, please." "Tastes of human, sir. Would you like a white wine? There we go thank you very much. Thank you for flying Church of England, Cake or Death? Cake or Death? Ah, Mr. Hitler, here's the vegetarian plate for you..."



Mithris said...


Anonymous said...

What??? No rimshots????

Dagdamor said...

please, tells us where this came from :D

KibitzingShiksa said...

Dag- do a search for "Eddie Izzard". He's a Brit comedian. (You may recognize him- he was the villain with the hairspray in Mystery Men.)

Duamuteffe said...

When you're 18, your big Sis can bring you up for a visit and we'll watch his entire ouvre.

Suzanne said...

I got Circle, Dress to Kill and another one for Yule from my friend Adam.

It's all sticky, it's covered in jam!